Don't Move Too Fast If You're Moving In Together

So you’ve come to that crossroads where you’re not quite ready for marriage but you are toying with the idea of moving in together. Sounds wonderful—you’re in love, marriage is a step away, so what could possibly go wrong?

Before you make another move, sit down and tackle the practical and emotional challenges of sharing space, without the tunnel (of love) vision. For instance, where will you live? Are you assuming that you’ll get a place together, while he’s thinking his one bedroom bachelor pad with man-cave will do? And just how are you going to pay for this place and the utilities that go with it? Nothing puts stress on a relationship like money, or lack thereof. You’ll need to talk frankly about both of your financial situations, and how you’ll be divvying up expenses. Make a concrete plan, in writing, so that later there is no ambiguity about what’s been agreed upon.

Once you have the money matters straight, it’s time to decide on who brings what. TVs, fridges, couches, you name it—who will get to move theirs right in, and who will have to sell or store? This can be pretty touchy when you have decided to mix your two tastes. How do you politely tell your mate that they are not bringing their coveted (but ratty) maroon faux leather La-Z-Boy into your Laura Ashley floral paradise? And of course, he’s wondering where you’re going to put all those shoes. Which does bring up the question of space—closets, bathrooms, garage—exactly who gets what? This may seem trivial now, when all is rosy in the relationship, but when you’re burning your buns on the seat of your car mid-August while he pulls out of the garage in cool comfort, it may have you seeing red.

There’s also the problem of planning for the future—even a future you can’t imagine at the moment. What happens if your mate suddenly passes away? This happened to me a few years back. It was a sad time, but I was lucky that we had moved into my house and I didn’t have to deal with issues related to selling the house or moving out of his house. I did have to work with his children, and it helped me to realize that all too often, your mate’s family has no clue about the financial arrangements or promises that have been made. Again, better safe than sorry. Put everything in writing, including how assets will be distributed if the two of you decide to go your separate ways. Chew on this: Researchers have found that over 50 percent of couples who live together before marriage end up apart either through moving out or divorce later on.

A couple I know dated and decided to move in together. They each had good jobs and all was peachy until the woman was fired. She wasn’t diligent in looking for a new job and didn’t contribute in the way she should have to the living arrangement. This of course didn’t sit well with the man, who had already helped further her career. A nasty breakup ensued, followed by his taking away her car (that he paid for) along with memberships to various clubs—and ultimately he threw her out of his house. They argued over everything right down to the Christmas decorations and the sugar bowl. He believes she stole items for retaliation against his behavior. The collection agency is looking for her and the whole thing just seems to drag on and on. How much better for both of these folks if they had spent more time hammering out details before moving day.

This may all sound dire, but as with everything, there is a flipside. What if you choose to move in together and it’s everything you dreamed of? You saved money in the long run, you’re spending more time with the one you love, you established a happy household, roles have been defined and everything is rocking along just fine. In fact, it’s so perfect you want to make it official, but your mate isn’t on the same page. Why fix something that isn’t broken? Uh Oh! Here we go again. “Aren’t we happy the way we are, why ruin a good thing?”

Back to the beginning. These are just a few of the situations you could face when moving in together. I have barely brushed the surface, but I hope I’ve made it clear that whatever you do, you need to protect yourself, be smart, and think it through. A contented life living together starts with some honest conversations and diligent planning—while it’s still only an idea and not your day-to-day reality.