Fighting Fair in Love and War

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by Leslie Foley

It’s inevitable—even the happiest of couples will have to weather conflict, disagreements, arguments and such. But it’s how you and your mate go about resolving these issues that will determine your long-term success together. Fighting fairly is the first step and it would do all of us well, whether single or married, to review a few pointers for “fighting the good fight.”

Get a Point and Stick to It

First of all—what is the issue? Be specific. There’s no need to tackle all of them at once; try to keep your focus and discussion on the main problem. No wavering and throwing in last week’s argument or bringing up past behavior to bolster your point.

Keep it Private

Pick a place to discuss your issues where you’ll have privacy. If that place is home and you have children, choose a time when they won’t be there. Fighting in front of family and friends just puts everyone in an uncomfortable situation.

Stay in Control

No need to yell, scream or use profanity. You may think it’s the way to make a point, but instead it’s likely to make you look foolish in the long run. Sarcasm is something that I sometimes find myself resorting to when annoyed—but I know it won’t help the situation. As you are problem solving, remember that you are trying to find a solution and not trying to win the argument. Name calling is hurtful and destructive. The problem may get resolved, but the words will linger, so think before you speak. If the discussion becomes heated—take a time out.

Take Time to Collect Your Thoughts…or Not

My ex-husband and I could fight with the best of them. I am happy to say we are friends now, but when we did argue, we were advised to wait 24 hours to collect our thoughts before attacking the problem (and possibly each other). Well, I am Type A and want to get right to it, and that doesn’t mix well with those who can’t stand conflict. Waiting only made me “meaner than a hornet” and I was ready to attack once those 24 hours were up. I suggest if something is bothering you, get it out in the open, but then try to resolve it in a timely manner. If all else fails, take a short break and think about what you are trying to accomplish.

Be “Discussion Ready”

Alcohol and other drugs will only make the situation worse; so pick a time to resolve the issue when you are both fresh, awake and have the time. A long day at work or a night of interrupted sleep can make even small arguments snowball. Be prepared to listen carefully, and try to understand where the other person is coming from.

It Takes Two, and Only Two, to Argue

This problem is between you two, so the opinions or concerns of family and friends are really irrelevant. Express your opinions and yours alone. And don’t compare your situation to someone else’s. I might mention here that I have learned not to run and complain to family and close friends all the time. They usually will see your side, but in the future they may also remember, and treat your partner differently, even long after the two of you are good as new.

No Mind-Reading Allowed

Do not read something into the situation that isn’t there. Keep on track. Don’t assume you already know why your partner has acted a certain way, and don’t guess what his response may be to your concern before he has a chance to express himself. Stick to the facts, and if you’re not sure what your partner is really saying, ask for clarification.

Kiss and Make Up

Most importantly, when it’s over, it’s over. Don’t dwell on it all day, no sulking or retreating to your hideaway. Touch has enormous power, so hold hands or kiss and make up and don’t be afraid to say I’m sorry. This might have prevented the argument in the first place.

A friend once pointed out that it takes two to decide to get married, but it takes only one to decide to get a divorce. I think that’s true, but if you can learn to argue fairly, express your feelings correctly and work toward a solution, you’ll both have something worth fighting for.